Wanting a "Sleep Divorce" even though our marriage is "fine"?
so... i (31F) love my husband "Josh" (33M). i really do. but i am literally at my breaking point.
every night it’s the same thing. he stays up until 2am phubbing (phone-snubbing) me while i’m trying to sleep. he’s scrolling tiktok, the blue light is blinding, and then when he finally sleeps, he snores like a freight train. i wake up feeling like a zombie every single day.
i brought up the idea of a sleep divorce (just sleeping in the guest room so i can actually, you know, function at my job). josh lost it. he thinks i’m "rejecting" him and that our "intimacy is dying."
but here’s the thing: our intimacy is dying because i’m too tired to even look at him. he doesn't do any chore-play (he leaves his dishes everywhere), so by 9pm i’m touched out and exhausted from the mental load of running the house. i feel like i’m his mother, not his wife.
am i the AH for wanting my own space, or is he just failing at co-regulation and ignoring my boundaries?
The Real Life Breakdown
The "He Said" (The Logic): Josh is likely associating "shared bed" with "safety." To him, the request for a sleep divorce feels like avoidant dismissal. He’s using the late-night scrolling as a way to "decompress," but he’s unintentionally creating a screen-time conflict that is eroding his partner’s trust.
The "She Said" (The Truth): This isn't about the bed; it's about weaponized incompetence and emotional labor. When one partner carries the entire mental load, they lose the ability to feel romantic. The "Sleep Divorce" isn't a rejection of Josh; it’s a desperate attempt at future proofing her own mental health.
The "Us In The Real" Verdict
Josh and the OP are stuck in a roommate phase. They are physically close but emotionally miles apart. Without loud budgeting of their time and energy, the resentment will eventually lead to quiet quitting the marriage.
The Script (How to say it without a fight):
"Josh, I love you, but my brain is failing because I’m not sleeping. This sleep divorce isn't about us growing apart; it's about me being a better partner because I'm actually rested. Let's try it for 4 nights a week, and on the other 3, let's commit to no phones after 10pm so we can actually focus on co-regulation."